DOWNHILL

DOWNHILL

Downhill the grass is greener. The grass is always greener everywhere I am not. Sitting on top of this hill I unscrew my drink and take a sip. Not too much, or else I will have to find a public toilet somewhere, and as far as I can see there is no village in sight. And I need to have some privacy  when.... Paraplegia comes with some annoying side-effects.

The road ahead is supposed to be sunny.
For some obscure reason people expect you to see the road ahead as sunny and promising.
A story needs to be "Happily Ever After"
I don't know.... I have never understood that attitude
The world is not a funny place
The world is, honestly, a pretty scary place
And I can know it.

I have no problem with people wanting to see sun and peace everywhere, but personally I am not such a person and the wish for happy endings confuses me, as if I am not allowed to let my voice be heard.

This life has been far from sunny and still I am here.
I want my voice being heard
My life being seen the way it was:

I didn't live at home, I was very young when he took me away from home and made me live with him. My life has never been the same since. I traveled with him all over the western part of Europe until I was too old. (Do NOT ask me what 'too old' means, will you please?)
And then I was sold and shipped off, and I saw the eastern part of Europe. Until then again I was too old. Again, don't ask.

There was not much sun
In fact it was dark.
I like the winter, snow and ice, especially on the beach, where it is wide, vast, where you can see the skyline at night.
I like to see the sun sink in the sea

I don't like forests and trees, and long winding roads leading down there. 
It scares me, frightens me. There is pain there, and memories, so many memories, incredibly frightening nightmares and flashbacks.

I am brave. Not sunny, not happy, but brave.
When I was too old, I left. Not alone, I brought my younger friends with me, to freedom.
Perhaps that is sunny?
Perhaps that is a happy ending?

I don't know, I am not sure. Maybe for them it is, I certainly hope so. I would like it that the world is sunny, that butterflies fly, that the grass is green.

For me I only wish to have a few friends. Just a few, that makes me happy. I would like them to join me on that journey downhill. That journey I am not so sure is sunny at all. And for them to stay, even when I am intolerable. Yes, that would be great.

***

- Darren White
Written for Goodreads YA LGBT Group
September 2016 prompt